Every Bro Needs a Ho

You just never know what’s going to happen. One day you’re fine, living the Brand Lyfe and chilling with the homies at a neighborhood bar. Carpe diem is easy when you’re single. Girls are plentiful, phone numbers come and go, and you always expect summer to last forever. But then you realize that fall is near, and so is winter. Change is eminent and eventually we need something stable to offset the chaos. A brand can gain immensely from the right merger, and no merger is more important to your personal brand than the choice of a significant other to “get serious” with. The right co-branding can complete you by opening your world to an opposite perspective.

Eventually every bro needs a ho. I’ve met a lot of cute girls this summer, but which one would make a good girlfriend? Everyone has positive qualities, the trick is finding someone whose traits and style compliment your own. So I made a rundown of my favorite girls.

Which one should I date?

THE GIRL WHO WORKS AT THE COFFEE SHOP

I don’t care that you’re 24 and making minimum wage. You’re pretty cute. And you like cool things. And just because you’ve been “on break” from community college for two years doesn’t mean you don’t have potential. I know eventually you will finish your generals and move on to a university where you will (finally) earn that Art History degree.

Compatibility rating: 8

THE GIRL WITH BLONDE HAIR AND AN ALL-AMERICAN SMILE

It is hard-wired into the pants of every American male to find you attractive. It’s like “instant social cache: just add blond chick.” Plus you are nice enough. Your passive-aggressive Pollyanna approach is easy to deal with. That is, until your entitled aggression comes out in a burst of rage only a blond is capable of. You are a princess. But without the help of a chambermaid I don’t think I’m ready to be your prince.

Compatibility rating: 6

THE GIRL WITH MULTIPLE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

I suppose dating you might have its benefits. I could be “the strong one” and help you through your depression, and it would be easy to maintain the upper-hand in our relationship. Sex would probably fluctuate between amazing and scary. But ultimately I think our love would fail because we wouldn’t have simple things in common like “wanting to be alive.”

Compatibility rating: 3

THE GIRL WHO WRITES AND SPEAKS A LITTLE FRENCH

I am intrigued by your introspection. And you can make a Kafka reference without seeming too pretentious. You do require a dash of drama to feed your writing, but that only keeps me interested. Just cut back on the smoking, don’t become obsessed with Sylvia Plath, and we’ll get along great.

Compatibility rating: 9

THE GIRL WHO WANTS TO RETURN TO NATURE

Don’t get me wrong, I respect your ideals. And that small patch of dirt on your cheek is starting to grow on me. But I’m really more of a weekend wilderness kind of guy (and I bring my iPhone). Besides, hairy armpits aren’t a deal-breaker for me, but they’re pretty close.

Compatibility rating: 4

THE GIRL WHO CLAIMS TO BE “BORN AGAIN”

Jesus Christ. Any incompatibility we experience is not my fault. I tried. After all I am open minded, but are you? I actually admire your faith. I understand how important it is to “believe in something,” but if that something isn’t Jesus H. Christ are you going to be judgmental? Just be cool. Expand your perceptive, smoke a joint. Let’s try to make this work.

Compatibility rating: 4

THE GIRL WHO WORKS AT AMERICAN APPAREL

Daaamn girl you wear that to work? Um, cool. So you’re 19, huh? I can live with that. We may not have stimulating conversations but I do enjoy your company. We both like MGMT and PBR. Maybe we can go to a Girl Talk concert together and I can sneak you drinks. I’ll even pay for them. You go ahead and save your cash for head bands, cowboy boots, and those leggings you call pants.

Compatibility rating: 6

THE GIRL WHO TAKES PICTURES

I’ll be honest, you can be boring. Your intuitive understanding of beauty is nice and sometimes sexy. But you live your life through the macro lens you insist on taking everywhere we go. Still, you are interesting, cultured, and romantic. And thx to you I have rad Facebook pix omg!!

Compatibility rating: 7.5

THE GIRL WITH PROFESSIONAL AMBITION AND A HIGH ALCOHOL TOLERANCE

You go girl. You really do. But wtf. College is over. You’ve landed a sweet job at a legit ad firm (thanks to your intense drive but also daddy’s friends) yet you still insist on a second life as a heavy-drinking douchebabe. I’m speaking frankly only because I know you can handle it. I actually like and respect you. I just can’t keep up with you.

Compatibility rating: 6

THE GIRL WHO IS DOWN FOR ANYTHING

You scare me. But in some ways I need you. I am true to my Cancer birthright and often need a fire like you to get me out of my seat. But you never slow down, do you? I’m just trying to chill and you’re running around causing “hella drama.” Just watching you makes me tired.

Compatibility rating: 2.5

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What should I do? I’m not the kind of guy who gets into a relationship just for the hell of it. I want someone I can chill with, grow with, and think about whenever I hear a song by Usher. A lot of bros don’t realize that babes are more than “just a fine piece of ass.” Men and women have things to learn from each other. I just want someone who I can understand / who understands me.

MAYBE I SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND

We broke up in the aftermath of 9/11. (9/11/06. After an argument. I promised myself I would never forget.)

Does love have a greater value than potential for procreation? Is it better to find “true happiness” with one girl you can grow and change with, or is it lame to be vulnerable and allow yourself to adjust to other people’s opinions? I want to be authentic to myself but also be open-minded and willing to learn what’s up from the female perspective. What’s the deal with love / wtf is life all about?