Which “God” is Most Legit? Choosing a Religion Based on Marketing Strategy (Pt. One).

I’m afraid that if I continue to spend my life balling out of control, spending “hella cash” on Gucci this, Fendi that, I will forget what is “truly important” in life and may lose touch with my “inner self.” And what then? I’ll just be another brand bro on the corner, chilling out hard but lacking all moral substance. Last weekend I was driving to this hottie’s apartment (the one who works in the coffee shop) and I passed this sign (see below). I was super stoned at the time so I became instantly paranoid.

I WAS LIKE “OH SNAP, IT IS???”

It was obviously a sign from some bro / ho bigger than myself. I needed to change. But where to begin? There are SO many different religions. The religious world is a lot like the marketing world. There are a ton of brands out there, all offering something sweet to buy, depending on your mood and taste. How do I know which one is for me? Religions are just brands. I want to believe in a God who understands my consumer needs and tailors his marketing message to my brand sensibilities. So I put a marketing team together to analyze the brand strategies of some popular religions.

Here is part one of their report.

CHRISTIANITY: THE MICROSOFT OF RELIGIONS.

This brand lost its way. I think they used to be more humble and chill. Now they seem to be the symbol of proprietary products and a monopoly-aimed business strategy. In a way the crusades were like “buying out” the competition. And they are constantly trying to kill any “open-source” alternatives. Chill guys. Unless you embrace the legitimacy of alternative religions you are going to be perceived as narrow-minded and out of touch. My advice, hire a creative director who understands the diversity of youth markets. Also, gay people are “in,” so maybe ease up on the bigotry.

SCIENTOLOGY: WHAT THE F*CK DO THESE GUYS DO?

Don’t believe the hype. These dudes may have mastered the use of celebrity spokespeople, but what is actually going on here? It seems secretive, like you have to become a member and spend a lot of money before you learn what it’s all about. Today, successful brands need to be transparent. Consumers don’t want to sign up for a service unless they can understand it from all angles. There are too many alternatives for this kind of cute deceit. I suggest a more transparent marketing campaign. A “get to know us” approach. People don’t trust you, and if you have nothing to hide, please let us know. Also, please put Tom Cruise back in his cage. Thanks.

AMISH: THE RETRO APPROACH.

These guys are so old school. They haven’t updated their message since its inception and any “branding” they have is just a result of their rigid consistency. I can see the appeal in this approach. It’s like a company that refuses to have a website, or never changes their packaging, even after 80 years. They let the product speak for itself. Too bad this product sucks. I can say this openly because their houses don’t have wifi. I kind of respect the no frills marketing approach. It reminds me of Tom’s Naturals or something. But can I at least have a toaster or maybe basic cable? What about an iPod? I’m not picky, I’ll even take a nano.

ATHEISM: THE ANTI-BRAND.

Their common ground is criticism. I feel like the atheist “religion” uses the strictest market research and makes only the most logical conclusions possible. This might work in theory but they don’t understand the intangibles that transcend logic and market research. Like inspiration and hope. Plenty of brands (Nike, Obama) leverage spiritual themes in order to connect emotionally with their tribe. Atheists don’t understand the marketing (and personal) advantages of belief. And I don’t think I can support a brand with a foundation of negativity and criticism. Don’t player hate. Congratulate.

MORMONISM: DOOR TO DOOR SALESMEN.

Wtf is your deal?? Regular Christianity wasn’t strange enough for them so they added layers of weirdness. Mormons are dorks. As a brand they have a rigid and narrow marketing mindset that has not adapted to the 21st century marketplace. Try something more hip, like a viral video or something. Or win over the young male market by glamorizing the polygamy thing. I feel like Mormons have some momentum thanks to the HBO series Big Love. Don’t blow it. Now is the time to capitalize on public sympathy. Just don’t take your mythology so literally. And stop being creepy.

ISLAM: HUGE BLOWOUT SALE! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

Talk about desperation. I feel like Islam is staging an “all or nothing” ad campaign. Their new “blow shit up and kill people unless they convert” marketing plan seems rash and poorly thought out. Brands need to win over consumers with incentive, not scare them with threats of violence and eternal suffering. It seems if Pepsi were to start killing people in order to gain on Coke’s market-share, it probably wouldn’t not work. Same with religion. I suggest a brainstorm session to think up new ideas. Something more subtle. Maybe hire Spike Jones to direct a commercial starring a hot Persian babe. Maybe start a Twitter account and post some zany updates. Smile more. Less guns.

Do you guys have any suggestions? I want to “believe in something” but all these options seem pretty lame. How important is it to be part of an organized religion? Would it make more sense for each individual to set their own code of morals based on his / her personal brand? Is “God” an actual bro or is He / She just a metaphor for mankind’s highest ideals? It seems like some people really need a symbol to attach themselves to in order to feel fulfilled, kinda like a high school slut in Hollister or a hipster douchebag in American Apparel. But I kinda think we should just embrace our individuality and let our personal brands speak for themselves.

YESTERDAY I SAW THIS GUY CHILLING AT THE MALL. I THOUGHT “DAMN. HE’S HARDCORE. BUT IS HE RIGHT?”

Maybe people are having the wrong argument. Maybe it’s not about “hell being real”, or “God being dead.” These are just words, and people often use different words to express the same thing. Maybe it’s time to step beyond these outdated references and stop taking our vocabulary s000 seriously. Maybe we need to break free from these religious frameworks and explore more modern definitions of faith. Idk. It just seems silly to get defensive over a religion just because you happened to be born into it.